Cycle of Violence

The cycle of violence theory describes the phases of an abusive relationship in the lead up to and following a violent event. The model looks at the repeated actions of a perpetrator, and how it impedes a victim’s ability to leave an abusive relationship. Once you are aware of this cycle it is much easier to notice the signs of it in your relationship.

The cycle of abuse often goes through four main stages: tension, incident, reconciliation, and calm.

Abusive behaviors may escalate from cycle to cycle, although this isn’t always the case.

Abuse doesn’t look the same for everyone or in every situation. Even in the same relationship, abusive behaviors can change from time to time and, in some cases, they may appear to stop before they suddenly show up again. This is often referred to as the cycle of abuse.

It can be possible to end this cycle of abuse. But your safety is the most important thing. You cannot risk your health and safety (or your families) hoping that a person will stop the cycle and change their abusive ways. You’re not alone and support is available

The cycle of abuse in a relationship: 4 Stages

Through extensive observation and interview processes with women who’d experienced abuse and domestic violence, researchers identified stages that tend to repeat in an abusive relationship.

The stages of the cycle of abuse are:

stage 1: tension building stage

stage 2: incident of violence stage

stage 3: reconciliation stage

stage 4: calm

This model of a cycle of abuse does not however cover all experiences related to abuse, or look the same for everyone and they don’t imply abusive behaviors take a “break” every now and then.

The stages of the cycle of abuse may not always happen in the same order, or some of them may not happen in some cases. Abuse can be — and is for many people — without any downtime. It’s also possible that the cycle involves transitioning between different types of abuse. For example, emotional abuse could dominate the building tension, reconciliation, and calm stages, while sexual or physical abuse may increase during the incident stage.

Tension building stage

During the tension stage, the abusive partner may begin to display signs of abuse and behaviors that slowly increase in intensity and frequency. This is may be related to external stressors like financial difficulties, addictions, interpersonal challenges at work or other environments, or health challenges.

The increasingly tense behaviors can include:

- emotional outbursts

- irritability

- impatience

- shortness of temper.

As the outside world starts to feel more out of control, the abusive person may start to turn to the relationship as a way of feeling in control again. As the tension starts to become evident, the non-abusive partner may also feel increasingly anxious. This may lead them to act in specific ways — such as “walking on eggshells” — to ease and appease the abusive partner’s tension and prevent an abusive incident.

Incident of violence stage

At some point, the tension from the first stage in the cycle of abuse starts to break. This may culminate in one or more abusive incidents.

This stage is the abusive partner’s attempt to overtly regain a sense of power and control.

An abusive incident may look different every time or from relationship to relationship. It’s possible that the incident stage escalates with every cycle. For example, intimidation and insults may be present in the first few cycles, transitioning to physical violence later on in the relationship.

Reconciliation stage

After the incident of abuse, the abusive partner may feel like the tension starts to disappear. This can be quite the opposite experience for the person who’s on the receiving end of that abuse.

Once that tension has significantly reduce or essentially disappeared, they may feel like they want to apologize, shower you with affection, or promise they’ll never do it again. They may seem very romantic, supportive and loving suddenly in this stage.

During this phase, the abusive partner may seem genuinely ashamed of their behavior and committed to reform. Because you care about them, you may feel inclined to believe what they’re saying and give them another chance.

Calm stage

During the calm phase, your partner may continue to be attentive; however, you might notice a shift from them being apologetic to now excusing their actions.

During the calm stage, abusive behaviors may be a lot less but you may notice that they:

shift responsibility for the abuse (“I’m sorry but it’s all because of so-and-so.”)

justify their behavior (“If the garbage man didn’t do that, I wouldn’t get so angry.”)

gaslight you (“It really wasn’t that big of a deal.”)

This stage can feel confusing. Your partner seemed to want to make things right, but there’s now an underlying tone of dismissal and the apology no longer seems sincere. After a while, you may start to experience tension again, as the cycle of abuse potentially starts again.

How to end the cycle of abuse

Stopping abuse isn’t as easy as “just leaving.” It’s natural if you feel afraid for your safety, the safety of your kids, or the welfare of your pets or feel you don’t have the resources to exit the situation. These are all common situations that many abusive partners ay take advantage of to keep you around.

In the case of emotional abuse, you may not even yet realize you’re in an abusive cycle! You might have just got used to their 'awful behaviour and 'put downs' to make you feel like @@@@

But it is possible to leave an abusive relationship and it may start with identifying those toxic behaviors you won’t tolerate or behaviours others would never expect you to tolerate - would you expect your best friend, mother, sister, daughter to ever put up with this - why should you?

TIPS TO HELP YOU BREAK THE CYCLE ❤️

Confide in someone

Speaking with a trusted friend or family member can help you see — and often verify — patterns of behavior that may indicate abuse. It may also help you find a safe space where to go if you need to leave.

Seek professional guidance

A professional such as a counsellor or psychologist can help you navigate relationship challenges and identify signs of abuse.

They can also support you in really considering new thoughts and behavioral patterns that can lead to coping skills and greater confidence as well as providing safe exit plans for exiting this unacceptable situation.

1800 Respect is the ideal first point of contact in Australia to help provide the resources and safety plans for exiting a potentially unsafe situation.

Rebuild your confidence

You have every right to be in a safe and in a respectful relationship. You may not feel that way right now, or feel you deserve it or will ever “find anyone or anything better,” but this is what an abusive and controlling partner will likely want you to believe - and this is often their way of stealing your confidence, your self worth and power.

Try to go back to the focusing on the things that give you joy and confidence and remind you of your self worth and why you do not need to put up with this. Before you were forced to endure this unacceptable behaviour, who were you? What did you love? What made you smile? Who were your people?

Consider connecting with loved ones and/or friends you haven’t seen in a while.

Try to spend some time engaging in relaxation techniques that may protect your mental well-being and protect your overall wellness through this such as exercise, music, meditation, breath work, yoga. Find time for you!

Seek outside help

Not everyone’s abusive situation is the same. You may not feel safe ending the cycle of abuse on your own, and that’s OK. You’re not alone and help is available - reach out to 1800 Respect (1800 737 732) for excellent resources and support to help you make the right options to keep you safe and find the strength to remove yourself from a situation you do NOT deserve.

If you’re living with anxiety or depression, getting support may be essential. Seek help from the experts. Get a mental health plan from your GP if you need financial assistance to access reduced fees for psychologists who are well trained in trauma.

For counselling support feel free to reach out to us at www.familycounsellingsupportnetwork.com

If you need to get access to separation support, reach out to Separation Support Network who have many clients across Australia seeking affordable and emotionally supportive guidance through the process, at a more affordable rate. www.separationsupportnetwork.com

We've Got You. xxxxx