KEY THINGS TO REMEMBER:

NEVER victim blame.

Abuse is never the victim’s fault.

As a society, we continue to place blame on victims by asking, “What did she do to deserve that?” or “What was she wearing?” or “Why was she there?” or “Why couldn’t she just keep her knees together?” Yet we do not ask these questions to victims of other crimes. We must stop asking these questions of domestic violence and sexual assault survivors."

ASK: How can we shift the culture away from blaming the victim, and instead blame the perpetrator? Why does the abuser choose the abuse?

RESPOND: Believe, support, and trust survivors. Instead of second guessing their experiences, let’s rightfully place the responsibility on abusers and perpetrators to end the abuse. Domestic violence is rooted in power and control.1 2. Hold offenders accountable. Holding offenders accountable can take many forms. If it is safe to do so, call offenders out on their abusive actions and impose social consequences, like telling them they’re not welcome for family dinner or to hang out

Hold offenders accountable.

Holding offenders accountable can take many forms. If it is safe to do so, call offenders out on their abusive actions and impose social consequences, like telling them they’re not welcome for family dinner or to hang out until the abusive behavior stops. Stop excusing behavior with “boys will be boys” or “[the perpetrator] would never do something like that.” Community accountability can make a significant impact. « ASK: How can we hold offenders accountable and support survivors? « RESPOND: Tell the perpetrator that their behavior is abuse. Healthy relationships are rooted in equality, respect, and nonviolence.

Challenge widely-held perceptions about domestic violence.

Unfortunately, misconceptions about domestic violence persist – such as the notions that

- survivors can “just leave;”

-that heterosexual, cisgender women are the only victims;

that domestic violence only includes physical violence;

or that domestic violence is a “private, family matter.”

Each one of these myths persists, despite our work to challenge these perceptions.

ASK: Why can’t survivors “just leave?”

RESPOND: Survivors must think about their own physical safety, financial security, the safety and welfare of their children and pets, potential housing and where they can “just leave” to, among myriad other issues.

Voice that domestic violence is an intersectional issue.

Domestic violence does not happen in a vacuum. Survivors experiencing domestic violence often experience other “–isms” (e.g., sexism, racism, classism, heteronormativism,4 etc.), compounding negative impacts on victims. Collectively, these –isms play a devastating role in perpetuating gender-based violence.

Understand that abuse is rooted in power and control.

Abuse is intentional. It is a myth that someone who abuses their partner is “out of control;” in fact, they are in good control (how often do they “lose control” at work? With a friend? With other family members?) and purposely choose tactics to control their partner.

Power is hard to give up or share, and abusive actions are purposeful with the goal of gaining power and control6 over a partner. «

ASK: What do you think are common ways that offenders use power and control over victims? «

RESPOND: Strategically isolating victims is a common tactic to gain power and control over a victim. Perpetrators may trap their partners by withholding, lying about, or hiding financial assets, a form of financial abuse.

Trust the survivor’s perspective.

Survivors know their experience and story better than anyone. Taking a survivor-centered approach empowers survivors by prioritizing their needs and wants. Often, abusers deny their partners’ self-determination; empowering survivors returns their control and enables them to make their own decisions. «

ASK: In what ways can we support survivors in making their own decisions about how to address abuse?

RESPOND: Listen! Ask survivors what they need to individually be safe – there is no one-size-fits-all approach to addressing domestic abuse

RESPOND: Listen! Ask survivors what they need to individually be safe – there is no one-size-fits-all approach to addressing domestic violence.

Communicate that domestic violence is not a “private, family matter.”

Domestic violence affects us all; victims are our family members, neighbors, coworkers, and friends. All of us – women, children, and men – must be part of the solution. «

ASK: Do you know anyone who has been affected by domestic violence? How did you support them? «

RESPOND: Domestic violence affects each and every one of us. Violence is not the answer, and it’s on us to take a stand against domestic violence.

Root your conversation in equality.

One of the root causes of domestic violence is inequality. Addressing this root cause takes conscious action and significant social change. «

ASK: What role does gender inequality play in domestic violence?

RESPOND: Many dynamics of power and control are rooted in gender roles and stereotypes. One way to combat these ingrained

inequalities is through conscious action (e.g., by calling out sexism, racism, or any other –ism when you see it) and youth education.

Remember domestic violence affects all of us, but with action and education we can end it.