Your ex was physically or emotionally abusive to you, and you finally found the strength and grit to get out of their clutches for good.

The not-so-great news is that if you and your abuser have children together, rarely do you get a clean break from them. Sometimes, you have to figure out how to co-parent with your ex-abuser.

How do people do this safely and effectively? It’s going to take careful planning and strategizing, but here are some important tips:

🫂Put your safety first.

🫂Understand your legal position and get legal support

🫂Limit your communication and establish boundaries.

🫂Document everything.

🫂Get your own counselling support

Safety First

If your abuser targeted you but not your children, there’s a strong chance the two of you can co-parent effectively. However, if you legitimately fear for your children’s safety, you and your legal counsel must go through the proper channels to keep your kids safe.

You must prove your ex is unfit and have their parenting rights revoked or extremely limited.

Now is also the time to have open, age-appropriate discussions with your children about what abuse is, what it looks like, and what to do about it. To start the conversation, reach out to your child’s school counselor, or a licensed family therapist, and your legal representative. These professionals can educate you and your children about what to do when you experience abuse (from parents or peers).

🫂What to Legally Expect

Just as you wouldn’t want anyone to be able to accuse you of physical abuse and then take your children away from you without proof, so it is with your ex-spouse. Legal processes uncover and prevent false allegations, so hang in there and follow the advice of your mediator or lawyer.

The legal system typically finds it is in the children’s best interest to spend time with both parents. However, proof of domestic violence could sway their decision and limit your co-parent’s custody arrangements. But, chances are good that your children will maintain at least some physical contact with their other parent, so you need a solid plan for handling communications with your ex.

What the law says:

Exposure to DV

Parenting Courses

Alcohol and Parenting

Drugs and Parenting

Mental Health and Parenting

🫂Create Your Parenting Plan

Work with a counsellor, psychologist, lawyers, to create a proper parenting plan. Having a solid strategy for various situations will help you decrease the number of interactions you have with your ex.

We strongly recommend that you seek professional advice to create your plan. There’s a lot you can probably already guess you need to plan for, like:

Custody days

Child’s school and extracurricular schedule

Holidays and vacations

Sharing expenses

Transportation

Handover

What to do if you or your child get sick but you’re supposed to trade custody with your ex?

What if your ex and child are ill, but it’s time to switch custody?

What if your child has special needs?

How long should you wait on your ex at the agreed upon meeting place to exchange custody of the kids?

What are reasonable time limits on communications and responses?

Limit Communication and Set Boundaries

• *Unfortunately, you are likely to trigger your ex, so avoid speaking one-on-one with them.

*Speaking in person or by phone could jeopardize your own and your children’s safety.

Photos, Emails, text, etc

Providing your address?

*Obtain a restraining order if need be.

*Communication should be brief, business-like, only concerning the children, and in writing. Written communication is vital for legal documentation and evidence.

*If your co-parent to be uncooperative and push the limits. Stay cool, calm, collected, and never contact your abuser directly.

*Document everything and connect with your lawyer to settle things on your behalf.

🫂HANDOVERS

*For handovers, pick a public place such as your child’s school. Do not meet at their house or have them come to yours.

Aim to always have another adult with you at exchanges–someone who isn’t antagonistic.

You can even try one of these scenarios:

Have a neutral third party make the exchange on your behalf.

Example: Your father takes your children to a neutral location for custody exchanges.

Have neutral third and fourth parties meet each other for exchanges.

Example: Your mother picks up your kids and drops them off with your ex’s mother.

🫂DOWNLOAD A PARENTING APP

Limit contact and establish boundaries with your co-parent more easily by using co-parenting apps.

Some specialize in preventing harsh communication between co-parents with tone meters that detect charged language and suggest ways of changing it.

Others allow you to share calendars, schedules, school, and medical information on their platform without talking or texting. And others, like co-parenting expense trackers, enable you to request payment for shared parenting expenses politely. You can upload pictures of receipts, send bills

, collect fees, and keep track of who owes what.

Look for an app that keeps unalterable records of everything shared within the platform so that all exchanges are documented.

All parenting plan violations can be recorded on your app.

Apps make the documentation process much more manageable.

Ex never showed up to a custody exchange? There’s an app to track that. Having trouble getting them to pay their fair share?

LIST ALL THE APPS HERE

🫂You Are Not Alone

Co-parenting with an abusive ex isn’t easy. Undoubtedly, having support and guidance to assist you helps.

Reach out to a legal advisor and a counsellor. Ask family and friends to help with handovers as well as mundane parenting tasks (babysitting, housework, cooking).

Take steps to help you co-parent effectively without having to communicate much with your ex. Avoid unnecessary confrontations and improve documentation by using a co-parenting app for everything from child support to sharing schedules and medical information.

Co-parenting with an abusive ex is complex but vital for your children. Co-parenting requires open communication, boundaries, and a willingness to put needs before disagreements. Co-parenting does not require best friends but demands mutual respect and the desire to put your kids first. Establishing realistic expectations and obtaining expert support if needed is crucial.

GREAT PERSONAL ADVICE FROM A PARENT SURVIVOR OF DOMESTIC ABUSE

Here are some of the things I've learned from co-parenting with an abusive ex:

1. His behaviour is his business.

He can do or say what he wants, but unless it directly impacts on your children, you cannot do anything about it. How he lives his life when the kids are not with him, is no longer your concern.

2. You cannot react to his drama.

You're bound to get mean and abusive emails and phone calls. You may even hear it through the grapevine, which hurts. Just like his personal life is no longer your concern, you don't have to answer to him about your personal life. You only need to engage on issues that involve co-parenting, such as education, healthcare, pick-ups and drop-offs. The rest is drama - don't indulge him.

3. Support Your Kids

He may turn into father-of-the-year when the kids visit, and that's great. Be positive and upbeat when the kids talk about the fun they have with him and don't say anything negative about him.

4. Deal With the Negative - Positively

Your ex is bound to say stupid things to the kids about you. It is important to explain to the kids that he no longer has a say in your life, and just like you don't tell the kids what he should or shouldn't do, he is not the boss of you. Be sure to let the kids know that they should not worry about what he says and that they don't need to feel that they need to please him all the time.

5. Get Third Party Input on Co-Parenting Concerns

If you are worried about anything he says or does, don't address it directly with him, as it will open the door to more abuse and defensiveness. Instead, take your concerns to neutral third parties or therapists who you trust.

6. Get Help

Dealing with a constant barrage of vitriol and drama can be emotionally draining. While your ex won't change, you can change how you respond. Therapy can help release stress and help you find coping mechanisms to help you accept your feelings.

7. You Will Mess Up

Dealing with an abusive ex is not easy, and you're bound to mess up on every item on this list at least once. Be easy on yourself while you build your strength.

Reach for support when you need it, and look forward to the good days. But in the meantime, find things that make you happy. You can't live in the past, and you can't worry about the future. You can only focus on right now, believing that better days are coming.

We examine what happens with co-parenting when there are genuine fears for yours and/or the family safety, how the courts look at what is in the child's best interests when there are safety concerns, how to remain personally safe during co-parenting, the appointment of an independent children's lawyers (ICL), use of counsellors and confidentiality, medical reports, family reports, supervised access, handover and handover centres and how to gather evidence if required.